By Scott Burns

There is something troubling at Barnes and Noble.

The store offers plenty of books on investing. But there is not a single book on investing for vampires. Books about the lives, exploits, and existential problems of vampires abound. But there is no practical advice.

Amazon is equally bereft of advice for the multitudes of vampires who are trying to live among us with civility, sucking the blood of humans only when absolutely necessary.

This should be corrected.

It should be corrected even if we don’t like vampires. If recent TV shows and movies are any indication, more than a few of our teenage daughters are destined to fall in love with vampires. Barnes and Noble, seeing this trend, recently added a new category on this issue alone.

Skeptical? Go check out “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

So think of this column as the early notes for the yet-to- be-written and desperately awaited book. Vampires who would like to make suggestions will find me in the vicinity of a certain bridge in Austin, every evening, as the famed bats take flight. Don’t step in the guano.

Here are the basic rules of investing for vampires:

Portable. A significant allocation should be made to assets that can easily and quickly be moved— such as gold, diamonds and other relatively indestructible items. Rare stamps are tempting, but too vulnerable. This is your flight capital, the resources you will need if it is necessary to flee to avoid capture or prosecution. The last thing you want is to become a poor vampire after centuries of high living.

Real. Own real property and collect rents. Focus on dense urban areas that are growing. Remember, if the 1992 movie was accurate, even Dracula eventually moved to London. While it would be unwise to drink the blood of your tenants, the urban concentration strategy will give you both current income and possible long term appreciation— even as it puts you in easy contact with humans who won’t be missed. Focus on permissive cities such as Chicago and Las Vegas. Voting won’t be a problem in Chicago. And Las Vegas is a high turnover party city.

Diversified. This is even more important for vampires than it is for humans. There are major changes over long periods of time. Remember the losses suffered by Roman vampires who trusted the coin of the realm. Remember the fate of the Russian vampires who invested in railroads before the Revolution. While you might once have focused on a single area, today your portfolio needs to be global.

Don’t predict the future. Mortals like to think they can predict the future. They regularly invest in the “next big thing”— only to be disappointed. For vampires the future is even more difficult because the span of time is so long. You might have guessed about steam power, but it’s unlikely you would also have guessed on electricity, telephones, cars, and itsy-bitsy computers. The best way to avoid predictions is to own index funds that own representative interests in whole markets.

Indirect ownership. Since you will be around for hundreds of years, you should not be a direct owner of any assets. This means you need to learn about indirect ownership through corporations and trusts. It would be awkward if anyone noticed that you are 548 years old.

Currency proof. Currencies come and go when measured in vampire time, so never forget the importance of assets that are real and portable (see above).

Government proof. Don’t try to out-suck government. Always pay your taxes. This will help you avoid all government attention. Remember, you may outlive administrations or whole governments, but government is the only entity that has the capacity to make trouble for a really long time. You have better things to do than defend yourself from generations of mortal lawyers and bureaucrats.

Beware the churn of human invention. Don’t get stuck in an investing rut. It may be comfortable to own farmland and other basic resources, but over the centuries the contribution of both to human wealth has declined as new industries have emerged. This means you will need to remain aware of how humans are changing their lives. Invest in those industries. Just remember that change is like you— it goes on forever.

Coming in a century or two:

Everything a Working Troll Needs to Know to Retire Under a Really Nice Bridge